Language Warning: I Swear Like a Sailor for Real

Language warning. This post is filled with sailor-like language. If you don’t like swearing/cussing, whatever the hell you want to call it, DO NOT READ THIS POST.

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Seriously. If you read this post and then complain about the language, I will lose my damn mind.

cussing

If you’re not ready to read a rant/vent, that is perfectly fine and acceptable. If that is the case, please just stay right here and look at this beautiful photo of our current back yard instead:

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Are you still here? Then hold onto your pants, because its been a shit-tacular evening and I’m going to give you a clear peek inside my brain. I was going to say day, but other than the accumulation of two days of rocking and bouncing around on the anchor chain making me constantly nauseated, the shit didn’t really hit the fan until a couple of hours ago.

Backstory: Patrick took Paris, Abyni and Jazz to the next town over for the rest of the provisioning trip today. I stressed to him many times that he really needed to try and be back before dark. I guess he’s of the mind that ‘if you’re going to be a little late, might as well be really fucking late’ or ‘better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission’ mindset, because that’s the only thing that explains this damned day.

Anyway, Jaedin took Patrick and the other kids to the shore (about 15 minutes away from our boat by dinghy) because there is no dock for them to park the dinghy and we really don’t want to leave our dinghy sitting there unattended for 5-6 hours anyway. (Oh WAIT. 8-9 hours)

The weather has been shitty. The boat has been rocking JUST enough to make me motion sick if I try to accomplish anything. Its gotten gradually worse as the day went on, but by the time I realized it was making me feel nauseated, it was too late. The last time I took dramamine this late in the game, I vomited so hard for so long that my ribs were still feeling bruised three days later. NO thank you. So I put off the dramamine. Mistake number one. Maybe.

Jaedin came back from dropping them off and we had a day. I tried editing video, but I can’t find the camera with the SD card because its buried under all of the provisions from yesterday and I feel sick as a dog as soon as I try getting up and moving around below deck. For whatever reason, going above deck only makes it worse because then I can SEE the land spinning by as this damn boat swings on the anchor chain yet again.

I tired typing, I tried reading, I tried napping. Still feeling on edge and shitty.

The anchor alarm started going off, but hey, no biggie. It does that sometimes when the wind shifts in a big way because Patrick always sets the anchor distance to a pretty tight length because apparently he wants to give me a fucking heart attack every time the alarm goes off (? I’m not sure that’s it, but I’m feeling pissy) I checked the ipad and made sure we were still in a good range. Everything’s good. Awesome.

Then more rocking. At that point I was thankful that it was already 5:00, because that meant that Patrick and the kids would be on the way home soon and I could relax a little bit. I hate it when everyone is spread out so far. I’ve been feeling… clingy. Or something inexplicable lately about my kids being away. Also, the boat. Just an under current of this unsettled feeling. I feel like my ‘inner voice’ is constantly bugging me and now doesn’t know which end is up.

It got close to 6:00 and Patrick called Jaedin to say they were about 45 minutes away. PHEW. I was a little ticked off, because that meant that Jaedin was going to be driving the dinghy 15 minutes to shore in the waves and wind in the DARK, but I realize that sometimes these errands just take too damn long. Whatever. Even though I had asked him to get back before dark.
I decided to send Jaedin to shore BEFORE it got dark. I dug out the last $10 I had and told him to just wait at the restaurant on shore until everyone got there, because I didn’t want him going on that long of a dinghy ride in the dark alone. I am so glad that I did. He started the engine, untied the lines and pushed off. And the engine died. I watched as he was drifting away from the boat at a pretty clip pace. The waves were concerning me when he had a motor, now all he had was some crappy, nearly useless oars (how in the hell are you supposed to row a boat that wide? Especially against the current?) I yelled and tried waving him back. He kept trying to start the motor (who thought we’d have such a fucking trial with COLD FUCKING WEATHER IN THE FUCKING FLORIDA KEYS?) and just kept drifting out towards the open ocean. And bigger waves.

Yeah, my momma heart was stressing the fuck out to the point of shutting down. I did my ‘mom yell’ and he looked up, then sat down and tried rowing. No luck. He wasn’t going anywhere that way. He stood back up and started pulling the cord to start the motor again.

FUCK. The ONLY option I had at that point was to pull up the anchor chain, start the boat and head towards him. Knowing that there are a LOT of shallow spots here, I wasn’t even sure that was a legit option without grounding the boat and destroying the bottom of the boat (and potentially shit ON the boat) AND not being able to get to Jaedin anyway. FUCK GOD DAMN IT SON OF A BITCH.
I picked up the phone and called Patrick to see what advice he’d have. If I should start the boat and go or what else I could scream out loud enough that Jaedin could hear me (except he was too far away to hear me anyway). Just as he answered the phone, I looked up and Jaedin was zooming towards me. *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*

I pushed down my stress and panic and took some deep breaths. “Okay. Its fine. Everything is fine.” Jaedin got to shore and I sat down to eat something in hopes of calming my stressed out stomach down. I picked up the ipad to see how we were doing location wise. It was dead. No worries, I’ll get the charger… except I can’t find the damned charger. One constant irritation on the boat with teens is that all of the chargers are constantly going missing. Not a HUGE deal for anything ELSE, but the ipad is finicky and only ONE charger works with it. And that charger is the one I can’t find.

FUCK.

Still, oh well, doesn’t really matter, because seriously, I have the anchor alarm set on my phone. It hasn’t gone off, so I’m fine. I pick up my phone to enjoy the comfort that comes from this new little gadget… and its OFF. THE GOD DAMNED ANCHOR ALARM IS OFF. WHAT THE HELL? Now my brain is racing. When the hell did it turn off? Because the outside scenery makes me so ill, I’ve avoided being outside at all, other than watching my son try to float out to the fucking ocean. That means that I have little to no perspective as to where our boat SHOULD be. FUCK.
I run to the deck to see that at least there is no land or other boats nearby (probably because the other boats were smart enough to leave this shitty weather and unprotected wind suck of an anchorage because they have BRAINS.)

I try searching for the charger some more, to no avail. I reset the anchor alarm and within minutes it starts going off. I run back up to the deck and we just seem to be swinging around again, but STILL, WHAT IF WE’RE DRAGGING? SHIT SHIT SHITTY BANG BANG. I call the kids to get the (of course), “No, we haven’t seen the charger” and then Patrick who says, “Oh, the charger is right where I left it in this obvious space” NO ITS NOT. I ALREADY CHECKED THE OBVIOUS SPACE.

WHY CAN’T ANYONE PUT SHIT AWAY? EVEN BETTER, WHY CAN’T THEY JUST NOT TOUCH SHIT THAT ISN’T THEIRS IN THE FIRST PLACE? Then I have the thought that I’m probably just missing it and being an idiot. I search again for nothing. (Although, yes, it WAS near where I was looking, I managed to miss it) WHY IS ALL OF THIS SHIT PILED EVERYWHERE? Oh yeah, because we’re provisioning for three bloody months and I CAN’T DO SHIT TO ORGANIZE/CLEAN OR PUT ANYTHING AWAY BECAUSE I’VE BEEN FEELING FUCKING NAUSEATED ALL GOD DAMNED DAY.

Calling Patrick means I go out on the deck to make sure that the anchor chain is doing what its supposed to. Then I get the news that they’re STILL 45 minutes away. nearly 45 minutes AFTER they were 45 MINUTES AWAY. WHAT THE HELL? They decided to stop and eat a leisurely meal because WTF?

So then I’m sitting on the boat by myself. In the waves and wind. In the dark. Rocking and trying not to vomit again. Stressed out. Trying not to have a fucking anxiety attack.

Rationally speaking, yes, I can handle things if the anchor drags. We’re not even NEAR any other boats, so I’m not worried about crashing into anyone. I know how to start and steer the boat. I should NOT be freaking out this bad, but DAMN IT, my emotional self isn’t listening to reason. *more deep breathing*
In case you forget, I agreed to do this whole lifestyle thing in spite of my horrible terrifying fear of the ocean/water/drowning. So you can imagine how delighted I was to be stuck in the dark on a boat all by myself. How thrilled I was with Patrick for leaving me in that predicament, no matter how many times I said, “Remember to be back before dark.”

I shut my brain down before it could go on its usual adventure of visualizing all of the ways that things could go down (I have an INCREDIBLE imagination) and I just went on facebook and vented to my closest friends.
“Ready for this Shitty, awful, horrible, no good, very bad day to be fucking over. (Eta: it really didn’t get too bad until this afternoon/evening, but then it made up for the rest of the day)

There aren’t many things about this lifestyle that I truly hate, but today has seen them all.

And my husband who can’t make an efficient decision for anything is still an hour away while I sit on this stormy ocean by myself hoping I don’t get sick again.

What’s with the Shitty weather, Florida? I thought you were supposed to be awesome. I hate Florida. Every time I’ve been here over the years it’s been ‘unseasonably’ cold/rainy/snowing fuck you, weather.

And I’m sick of everything about my Shitty ass, falling apart body. And I’m sick of fucking hormones. And getting old. And fucking periods that ruin every fucking pair of pants I have.

This fucking sonifabitch cuntface whorebag, useless piece of Shit of a day CAN SUCK MY DICK until it chokes.

And I’d still rather be here than in Oklahoma. Fuck.

‪#‎stressedthefuckout‬ ‪#‎ihateeverything‬

There I feel… better. There is still nothing terribly different happening, but for whatever reason, as usual, I felt better just for having gotten that all out of my system. If you made it this far, I guess you now know what its truly like for me right now. Thanks for reading.

So, there you have it. A bad boat day. Could have been worse, of course. Could have been better… yeah. The learning curve on this life is harsh. The worst part of this is just the cumulative stress that is coming with all of the shitty weather and just constant… low level stress from everything. Good stress, bad stress, its wearing on me physically and emotionally. I feel like there are good moments, exceptional moments, but honestly, I could really use a great couple of DAYS. Not a short moment of happy making, relaxation between what feels like endless days of storms/rainy bull shit.

(I am at the library today, the day after the above post so that I can actually upload it to the blog)

There you have it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Yesterday, sadly, was the ugly.  I promise there are plenty of happy, positive posts coming, but I really felt the need to be real about this.

Coming up: The kids are finally getting the chance to try out our ‘fun’ things! Jazz and Abyni are the first to try conquering the wind surfing board. All of the kids have been kayaking, paddleboarding and snorkeling. THOSE are some of the best moments! (That, and when they see the sea life, like dolphins, stingrays, jellyfish and squid!)

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I need some more days like this, with the excitement that comes from seeing the marine life as we go by!

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